If there is one thing i have learned throughout all my relationships, it’s just how easily disposable I am. Time and time again I have been thrown out with the trash and the person has never looked back. I sit there over analyzing, apologizing, sometimes even stooping so low as to beg. But it’s always sayanora, nice knowing ya. Have a good life. And then poof. Somebody who has meant so much to me is gone. And I have to learn to adapt and get over it. Learn how to go from one degree to another. Learn how to not want to talk to that person when i first wake up and right before bed. Learn how to want to tell somebody else all the parts of my day. And I just don’t get it. I don’t understand what it is about me, that makes it that easy for other people just completely erase me from their lives. 

For the first time in my life I had a good man. A stable relationship. A person who cared about me and did everything in his power to make me happy. And I loved it. I began to feel like I deserved this. It was like an epiphany to me when I saw how a person who truly cares about you acts. How a normal, smart, stable, kind person behaves. I always promise myself that I won’t take any part of my old relationships into my new ones, but that has proved impossible. I met a guy who would talk to me when things were going bad and instead I would flip out and scream on him because it was the only way i knew how to be heard. I met a guy who I was important to, who put me before himself almost every time. And yet I have such a complex about being put last, that the minute I wasn’t first, I freaked out. I’m so used to people breaking big promises to me that when he broke one to me, all I could concentrate on was how betrayed I felt, instead of the fact that he had a legitimate reason. I found somebody who made me laugh just by giving me a look, who made me feel comfortable just by being in the same room, who could make my day with one phone call. I found somebody who i could be my complete and total immature self around. Somebody who I could have so much fun with just by laying in their arms watching a movie. Somebody who I could have the most amazing, intelligent conversations with. Somebody who knew what was bothering me just by the tone in my voice when i said hello on the phone. A guy who stood up to me, who stood his ground and never backed down, but did so in the most polite, caring, gentle way. And i treated this person like I had treated the people in my past who had used and abused me. Who had betrayed me. Who had never taken one bit of my feelings into consideration. 

Old habits are hard to break. When I am used to acting one way in a relationship, it is hard to take a deep breath and realize that what i’ve been groomed to do, isn’t always the correct thing to do. But I want to learn and I want to learn with him. This is not something that I want to clean my hands of and be happy i learned from it. I want to learn with HIM and I want to learn for HIM. But first i need to make him her me. And the thought that he has already retired his listening ear, hurts me and scares me. But I am determined to figure out a way, because I have faith in us, and in our relationship, and I cannot let something and someone that has grown to mean so much to me, walk away with out giving the fight of my life.